Well, BZ managed to wake without swallowing his tongue. A bowl of frosted Captain’s Crunches later and we’ve embarked on our journey though Monsteropolis. BZ makes a homosexual comment and plays it off like a joke but I can see the glimmer in his eyes. His luscious blue eyes.
The first point of contention arose when it came time to choose the first robot master to blow up. BZ, like a fool, wanted to start with Bomb Man. I won the argument and we proceeded into Cut Man’s level. BZ complained about the quality of the graphics and music. I disagreed. Just check out this rocking turn. I guarantee it will be stuck in your head for days.
Despite the first screen in Elec Man’s stage he fell quickly (except BZ dying right before the boss door and requiring me to play through the whole stage again). I forgot that starting with Cut Man means we’ll have to play through it again to get the Magnet Beam. Whoops!
BZ: Having met my untimely death at the hands of an Cheez-It colored floating platform/death cannon in Ice Man’s stage, I now sit and watch Loki… oh. Meeting his death on the same platform. Game Over for us.
Loki: Fuck if those shooting eye-platforms aren’t evil. Don’t land right on top of their heads and it counts as a hit and you’ll fall right through. And they show up after a grueling disappearing platform gauntlet. Thank god after we’re done with this we’ll be past the hardest ones in the series (except for maybe Mega Man and Bass which we will NOT be playing.) Do you even think had testers for this part?
BZ: Seeing as I’ve been waiting five minutes for these platforms to line up into a position that makes this jump possible? Fuck no. Really? Still? *At this point he starts to laugh clearly coming down with a case of stockholm syndrome*
BZ: Loki is at the platforms again. Penguin-y death.
Loki: After a good seven tries we get past the platforms and are rewarded with a 1-up. The rest of the level is a breeze (GET IT!?). Though BZ does die on one of Ice Man’s ice bullets after he had already been defeated.
BZ: On to Fire Man now (complete with red suspenders and hatchet). I taste red-hot defeat when a column of fire knocks me into a lava pit, triggering a Game Over in the first thirty seconds of the level. This turns out to be a blessing in disguise- we can use the extra lives. As I watch Loki blast through minor enemies with the electric… thing, the synth-beat of the background music slowly drives me insane. Loki turns down my offer to drop E. I shelve my glowsticks. A few minutes later, and we’re on Bomb Man. We discuss how Mega Man 1 was the only game in the series to try and make the setting feel like a consistent world (albeit one with a ridiculous name like Monsteropolis). The big brown bulb-things in the background are… apartments? 20XX is a strange time indeed. Shortly thereafter, Bomb Man is slain and only Guts Man remains.
I should note at this point that Guts Man’s little moving platforms are my single least favorite segment in the series. Fortunately, Loki manages to make it through on his second try. We’re now returning to Elec Man’s stage to get the Magnet Beam, which we’ll need to tackle Wily 1. Mega Man 1 is a harsh mistress.
Loki: Onto Wily Fortress! BZ and I independently make Wily eyebrows at the same time to each other. BZ claims Wily 1 is the only good music in the game and also observes that Guts Arm is one of the few MM weapons that alters the environment.
BZ: I find out the hard way that Mega Man 1 doesn’t give you an invincibility window after getting hit. Why DO spikes kill Mega Man in one hit, anyway? He constantly endures much harsher torments: electric death rays, fiery lava pillars, explosive napalm blasts.
Loki: Fuck Wily 1 and fuck his eye-platforms. Even with the Magnet Beam this part is impossible. I’m glad by Mega Man 2 they learned how to make a good game.
BZ: So you do need the magnet beam to beat this level. What if you didn’t know about that when you got here?
Loki: That’s what the Nintendo Help Line was for.
Alright. Wily 1 down and the Yellow Devil dead. Go back to china, monster! Mega Clone follows quickly. With Wily 1 out of the way the rest of the game is no thing. Although the Wily 3 boss, Bubble Machine, is a bitch after the guts blocks are gone.
BZ: After making it to Wily 4, I Game Over and Loki accidentally hits, “Stage Select.” As I type this, he’s re-battling Yellow Devil. I can taste bile.
Loki: And it’s done! Mega Man has ended Wily! But the eternal battle is never over. Fight Mega Man! Fight for everlasting piece! And now with the worst Mega Man out of the way we can finally have some fun.